As most of you the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences held the 77th annual Academy Awards show, this past Sunday in Hollywood. The bigger winner was the Clint Eastwood movie, Million Dollar Baby. It won best Actress, Supporting Actor, Director and Best picture. Unfortunately I have not had the pleasure of seeing this movie yet but I do plan on seeing it on DVD sometime soon. Fortunately, I did have the opportunity to walk to the red carpet and attend the ceremony with a lovely and talented actress�

Pat arrives at the Oscars with some chick he picked up a local watering hole Reuters file photo.

On the ride home, I got to thinking that since I had only seen one of the movies that was even nominated (Super Size Me, for best Documentary), it would be great for me to give out awards to the movies that I think were the best of year. I mean what do these motherfuckers know anyway�I mean The Aviator for best picture???? Who in the fuck would ever put a Leo DeCraprio flick in the same sentence with the words �best picture�? I mean MAYBE if the title was �Leo DeCraprio is a Pussy and Sucks Ass as an Actor � A Documentary� then maybe! So it�s clear that these people know neither jack nor shit. So it is clear to me that the world needs another movie awards show. I mean, there are a few things in American life that we don�t have NEARLY enough of: Reality Shows, Lawyers, SUV�s and Award shows. At last check there were only 68 award shows out for the Performing Arts in America, so now there will be 69. So without any further or Freddy Ado, I present to you the 1st Annual Patscars�.

Every good awards show needs an emcee. The Oscars have Chris Rock, the WWF Awards have The Rock and the AVN Awards have Chris Cock. So the Patscars would have to be no different. To be a legitimate awards show they would have to have a witty, talented and energetic celebrity to host. So I thought long and I thought hard ��Who would be witty, talented AND energetic?� I thought to myself. �Who could I find that would guarantee the star power to add legitimacy to the show? And who would be able to keep the audience riveted in interested throughout?� And then, on a midnight clear, it came to me�.�MARTHA!!!!!� She would be an ideal host. So my people called her people and graciously she agreed to host. She has been hitting the weights since she moved recently, and was looking great!

First Annual Patscars Emcee, Ms. Martha �Im The Squirrel Master Bitch�.Get Used to It!!� Stewart Ap File Photo.

The show was a booming success! There were tears, laughs and cries as the awards were given out�
A few facts on the Patscars before I list the winners� For one, only films which I watched in 2004 would be eligible. For two, only films which I enjoyed in 2004 would be nominated. And for three, only films shorter than 2 hours would be considered, as I have a short attention span. That being said, here are the winners of the First annual Patscars�

Best Actor in a Leading Role: - Dave Chappelle for his role as Clayton Bigsby, �the nations vicious blind black, white supremacist, in �Chappelle�s Show. Chappelle delivers a stunning, awe inspiring and believable performance as a southern, blind, African American, Klu Klux Clansman who, upon learning of his true race, divorces his wife for being, as he puts it� a �nigger lover!� Never before has the redneck racist moron been so expertly mocked and ridiculed!

Chappelle receiving the Best Picture Patscar from some presenter guy.

Best Actress in a Leading Role: - Jenna Jameson for her role as Jenna in �Cruising Jennaville�. Featuring �Interactive Control� and �Multiple Angles� Jenna truly shows her talents as one of the nation�s finest mattress actresses. She delivers such lines as �Do me harder!� and �I want you now!� with such depth and feeling that one actually feels like she is actually speaking to them!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: - The Father on South Park, for his role as Father on South Park, in �The Wall Mart� episode. Never before have a laughed as hard at South Park as I did in this episode. Not only did it expose the truth about how people crap themselves when they die, but it also hilariously exposed Wal Mart for the evil and satanic corporation that it is. When they are trying to save the world from Wal Mart at the end, and the father says �I can�t handle it�the bargains are too strong SAVE YOURSELVES!!! I have to buy this screwdriver set!�, I bout peed in a pumpkin (more on this later.)

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: - All the lesbian chicks in �Cruising Jennaville.� They adeptly portrayed the true plight of the typical, American lesbian. So much so that I had to watch it in slo mo, and pause it just to get a true grasp of the enormity of their�uh�like plight and stuff! Which leads me too���

Best Feel Good Movie of the Year: - Cruising Jennaville. If you are a heterosexual man, or a homosexual woman, or an open minded woman or a woman that really cares about her man and gets turned on by this sorta smut, this is indeed the feel good movie of a generation. Never before has the sexual act, been so crassly exploited, as in this sex romp! If you can sit through the first 12 minutes of this movie without feeling good, your name must be Leo or something�.

And finally for the last, most eagerly anticipated award of the evening�.

Best Picture of the Year: - I Peed in a Pumpkin, the Rhi O�Malley Chronicles. This brilliant work of art, weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and sensuality all culminating in a wonderful surprise climatic ending that will leave you begging for more! It starts off with a simple tale of car washing and works its way through a torrid love affair between Ms. O�Malley and a dude named Pat, only two end up with a disturbing yet effective climax at a Roller Rink! Not since Glitter, has a movie with such star power, delivered a perfect script, perfect action, scintillating romance and suspense! Truly a picture for the ages!!!!

There you have it�.the first annual Patscars! I would like to thank all the little people that helped make this a big success and I would especially like to thank Martha and her warden, who so graciously allowed us to use her services for this wondrous occasion!

Thank you, God Bless you all and see you next year!