2004-10-11 - 4:05 p.m.
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I hate shaving. As anyone that has ever had the displeasure of meeting me will tell you, I am unshaven 84.27% of the time. I just hate shaving, I find it tedious, dull and a waste of time. Well a waste of time, until I let it go for about a week (shown below), at which point I realize that my chances of ever getting laid have jumped from 1 in 10 to 1 in 10 googillion.  God really socked it to us when he gave us this hair thing. I mean, why give us something that we don�t want? The average human has five million hairs on their body, most of which we don�t want or need. So we shave, wax, cut, pluck and laser it just to get rid of it but it�s a losing battle. It keeps coming back. The older you get the worse it gets, too. As a guy, you lose the hair where you want, and you grow hair in spots no follicle has any right to exist. I mean, I can buy the argument that humans at one time or another, needed hair to protect us from the �elements� and all. But I mean do nostrils or earlobes really get that cold? And when man reaches the age of 30, does his back suddenly become threatened by hypothermia??? I don�t get it God, I really think you dropped the ball on this one. So long story short� I hate shaving. I hate everything about it. It is my number one pet peeve And, when elected President I will get rid of shaving. If we can put a man on the moon, we can alleviate unwanted hair for all Americans. Read my lips, when elected there will be NO MORE PET PEEVES!!!  This is a site that will never again be seen once I enter office. Anyone that gets caught leaving the top off of the fucking toothpaste, will be subjected to the following, under the Three Strikes and You�re Out You Motherfucking Asshole Program: Strike One - No sexual acts, of any kind and no sports tv, for a week for Male offenders. No shopping or Oprah for a week, for the women and in addition, the male gets to leave the toilet seat up for this time period. Strike Two - The offender has to complete 8 hours of bathroom etiquette counseling, perform 8 hours of community service and sit through 8 episodes of Joey. Strike Three You�re Out - The repeat offender gets all his teeth extracted, can only wear overalls and wife beaters, and shall be quarantined to Kentucky where he will be forced into manually labor at the local distillery. Have you ever noticed that when you�re sitting on the couch, drinking your 8th beer, eating nachos, watching Baywatch reruns,with your hand down your pants Al Bundy style...wait uh...strike that last part from the record... that when they cut to the commercials the fucking volume is elevated 5000 decibels? Well I�ll get rid of that shit too. Commercials will be mandated by law to be at the same volume as the show. Any violating companies, will be penalized by having to pay their employees well, work them less and give them good benefits. �New and Improved� will be required to be new and improved. Any company making such claim, will be required to have the product inspected by federal agencies knowledgeable in that area. For example, any �new and improved� version of lubrication will be carefully inspected and tested for any improvement by the Consumer�s Official Council of Knowledge or C.O.C.K as it is better known. Any new and improved �Super Bra� will be under the careful scrutiny of the Professional Arousal Trustees or P.A.T. Manufacturers have gone on with this charade for too long and it is time to put an end to it! And in that spirit I will create the American Seductive Society or A.S.S, which will be given the daunting task of making the average American piece of ass new and improved to such a degree, that the average American ass, won�t need beer goggles anymore. Power to the people!!!! An addendum... Another major pet peeve of mine. Chicks that won't go out with me. When elected, every woman deemed a "10" by me, will be required to go out on a date with me, and will have to put out by the 4th date or she shall be subjected to severe punishment under the My Baby She Done Me Wrong act. Under this provision any such offender will be required to wear a big B in red letters, thus signifying her as the bitch that she is! |
