pat is uncomfortable at

The Dentist- everyone is i dont really think i have to elaborate too much. But one time, i had this really hot dental assistant, and she did the typical "so how is your day going?" thing. You know, where you have that suction thing sucking out all your saliva and the cotton tube things pressing against your jaw and they try to carry on pleasantries with you in an effort to make you feel less uncomfortable. Well 16 year old pat wit, is not quite as sophisticated as 32 year old balding, greying pat wit. i thought that since she could'nt understand what i was saying anyway, i'd come back with an honest answer. She wanted to know how my day was going, so i figured i'd tell her. "Nice tits" i retorted. Well needless to say i felt extremely uncomfortable when she came back without even a blush on her face, saying " why thank you my husband likes them too!"

Hearing the word Whatever - with this one word, i go from about 72 to 21 inches in height in seconds. This word is my reminder that i have dissappointed, upset or otherwise annoyed that one person that i least want to upset or otherwise annoy. This one word makes me lie awake, restless in bed at night. An uncomfortability that is helpful in that it's a reminder that i have to do more... The queen of three dots demands and deserves it.

Waiting in Line - i read somewhere that we spend 4 years or so ( notice how i took the time and effort to look up the actually statistics for you, my deserving fans? ... never say pat's not thorough... just say that pat's lazy, and you'll hit the nail on the yead)....waiting. This is aggravating and more than uncomfortable to me. All those years i could be sitting on my couch eating nachos, surfing for porn, drinking busch, watchinng victoria secret specials on tv, and i have to wait in line at the grocery store for food??? How is this fair? The one thing that is dissappointing is that we wait for the wrong things. How come when i give blood, i never wait in line? The line for soup kitchen volunteer jobs, is pretty short too! But try getting into Polyesters or Jackson's Hole, and you'll have to wait an hour for the opportunity to pay $10 for the opportunity to ingest $5 bud longnecks in the hopes of beer goggling the woman of your dreams! Which reminds me...last night at had the strangest dream.... i was dressed in a clown costume and.... anyway i digress on to the next one!

Having to Lie - whether it be calling in "sick", selling myself at a job interview or agreeing with a co worker that her new (lesbian style mullet) hairdo is just fabulous, i am the words worst liar (notice how they all tie into work....is it just me or does it seem like i lie at work alot?.....well this much is true, WORK SUCKS). i could never be a successful politician, lawyer or Bill O' Reilly. i have respect for good liars, it is an art form that i have yet to perfect. They say you should say less when you lie. For example...."Hello Boss, this is pat, i am feeling under the weather this morning and will be unable to attend work this morning." That is a good callintosicktowork lie. This is my typical, bad, callintosicktowork lie "Hello Boss, this is pat, i am felling under the weather this morning and don't think i can make it to work. i had dinner last night at this Bangladeshian place in Georgetown with a couple of frirends. Tom had the fried llama, Pete too.... i opted for the deep fried duck billed platypus and i think it made me ill. i have spent the night, NOT watching deep throat 6 on cinemax, while drinking 8 or 9 busch lites, i HAVE been hugging the porceline god and therefore i dont think it would be in your best interests if i were to appear at work today. i may go to the doctor if the symptoms get worse, but i am hopefull that i will be able to make it to work tommorrow." To this i usally get the following non lie " Pat....you're fired"

Watching an R Rated Movie with MY Parents - i shall preface this to say that i was conceived via stork. My parents are virgins. They shudder if a movie has a shit, fuck, crap, hell, suck, douche, twat, bastard, bitch, god damn, numbnuts, or heaven forbid a boob or but. Well i was 17. My mom likes mysteries, so Dad and i were at Erol's looking for a movie, and i thought The Name of the Rose, with Sean Connery and Christian slater would be PERFECT! There were a bunch of Catholic virgin guys in a monestary and one of em is a murderer! Catholics. Muderers. Virgins! Oh im so good at picking out movies for my virgin, Catholic parents i thought. Well all was going well. There were these fat guys with bald spots shaved on thier heads, in a monestary, one of em died and Sean Connery was going in to investigate. Excellent. All until, Christian Slater goes in a loft with one of the local young vixens of the countryside. i remember thinking to myself "please dont get naked please dont get naked please dont.....oh shit", and anyone that konws me, knows, that i dont know how to properly place commans and that this is the first time on record i have had such thoughts. Frankly, in reiterating them here to you all, im embarrassed and quite uncomfortable. The actress was attractive and she was going to bare her bossoms for me, and i did NOT want to see this????? Well at any other time this would have been a plus, but about 23 seconds after this scene my mom gave my Dad and i the stare of death. The stare that invokes a whateveresque fear in me to this day. it's hard for me to put into words how uncomfortable this made me feel, but i vowed never to see an R rated movie with my parents again. They need to change the rating system from "Under 17 Requires Accompanying Parent or Guardian" to "Do Not Fucking Watch this Movie With Your Parents".

In all seriousness, probably the most uncomfortable feelings i have are that of being a dissappointment. Nothing worse than knowing you have let someone down that you care about or respect. i remember being a kid and playing baseball. i sucked. i could field, and that was at times my saving grace, but i could'nt hit at all. i remember my poor Dad taking me to the batting cages, trying to show me how to swing the lumber to no avail. He would have had better success getting Mr T to antagonize the fool, than in teaching me to hit a 60mph fastball. But he tried, bless his heart. i loved baseball and he knew it. He wanted nothing more than for me to be a success at it, but i sucked. And that made me feel uncomfortable because i love him and wanted him to be proud.

Last night i had a phonecall from the person i care about. It was not only a phone call about ham, an oven, some rice and peas, but it was a reminder that i have to work harder at following through and keeping my word. i know that i aggravate, dissapoint and frustrate her at times, and this makes me feel uncomfortable, because i love her and want her to be happy.

i remember being a kid and underacheiving in school. i sucked. i had the ability to do well in math but i didnt try. i would much rather be playing river raid or combat than, proofs or fractions. Mom was a math teacher and she would give me work with me on any questions id have, give me practice tests and help me cram for the next mornings quiz. i still ended up putting c's where a's should have been, on my report card, and i could sense her dissapointment when i meekly would ask her to sign my report card. This made me feel uncomfortable becauase i love her and want her to be proud.

So being uncomfortable is something we all know. We all go to the dentist, well 'cept south eastern ky and parts of wv, and we all wait in line. We all have disappointed those that we care about, i have shared nothing with you that you all dont know first-hand. But we can learn from this, and maybe even be better inspite of it. i had the pleasure of telling Mom recently, that i planned on going back to school to get my education certification. i would be an elementary school teacher, following in her footsteps. The look on my mom's face, the excitement, happiness and pride made me feel very comfortable. i have made a pledge to Ms McDoink Doink that i will keep my word, and follow through and be there when needed, and knowing i can and will do this, makes me feel very comfortable. And i'll take you all back to a little league game back in AAA, runners on first and third, two outs. The pitch came fast and furious (well 56mph if you'ree counting). And i closed my eyes and swung as hard as i could, and when i ended up safe at second base i remember standing on the bag, fists pumped in the air. i felt magnanimous. No one could bring me down from that cloud i was on. All the "keep your eye on the ball" s had paid off. i drove in the winning runs! "Not bad for a number 9 hitter that received standing ovations with each base on balls he'd receive", i thought. So there i was standing there and i could only hear one man, my Dad. He was cheeing for me louder than i've ever seen. You see Dad is a quiet, reserved, shy man that does'nt give in to such public displays of affection. So i stand there looking at him standing there next to the bleachers, WSLL Yankees cap too small for his oversized "clarke head", and i could see the pride in his smile. All the hard work had paid off for him as well as myself. For that one moment he saw his son as the greatest player on earth. For that one moment, we felt comfortable...