So back to my point. My point� um� sex�um�beer�um�nachos�um�YEAH!!! Bowling technology!� So, I�m talking to Rhi about her bowling experience when she tells me about the bumpers that they put in for kids. They have these metal bar things that block the ball from going in the gutter, and thus saving the ego of little bowlers everywhere, from the embarrassment of sending the ball down the lane and NOT scoring! Well, she went on to say that they actually have come up with �smart bumpers� that know to come up and protect little children from the gutter, but fiendishly subject grown up bowlers to the perilous pitfalls that the gutter poses to putzes such as Pat. Well I spent about the next 15 minutes laughing, mocking and basically telling Rhiannen to stop with the charade. She was OBVIOUSLY just making up this magical bumper, to back up her assertion that she �hasn�t bowled a ball in the gutter in 10 years.� I gave her several chances to take it back, �Come on Rhi, you are just saying that, you and I both KNOW there are no such bumpers. They have a metal bar that they kick up to setup the bumper, there is no �smart� bumper!� She would not step down from her position. She even went so far as to give me the phone number of the local bowling alley to inquire about said bumpers. So, forgetting that Rhiannen is both honest and ALWAYS CORRECT, and at the same time thinking that I am even capable of proving her wrong, I decided I would call her bluff and call the bowling alley!

Bowling Alley Guy: �Joe Blows Bowling�
Dumbass: �Hi there do you all have those bumpers that they put up so little kids don�t hit the gutter?�
Bowling Alley Guy: �Yes.�
Dumbass: �So if I were to take my 7 year old son he would be able to not hit a gutter? Now what about me? I don�t want to bend the rules, not that I would ever hit a gutter, but I would prefer not to have the bumpers when I bowl.�
Now I know what he will say. I know that there are no smart bumpers, but just to make sure he knows that he cant blow any smoke up my ass, I make my bowling credentials perfectly clear.
Dumbass: �Did I mention that I was an award winning league bowler? I was in an �A-league� btw. So I pretty much know that I won�t gutter.
Bowling Alley Guy: �Actually we have both types of bumpers. We have the permanent bumpers, that stay up the whole game and the programmable bumpers that rise and fall depending on the bowler.�
Holy fucking shit�I need an out�she is RIGHT�AGAIN!!!!
Dumbass: �Um well which lanes have the permanent ones and which have the programmable?�
Bowling Alley Guy: �Lanes 1-9 are the permanent and 10-20 are programmable, so just tell the person at the desk which you want, when you and your son come to bowl.�
There it is!!!! She just got lucky, I am SURE that she bowled on 1-9, and I will dodge this bullet.

So I talk to Rhiannen and ask her what lane she was in. She says that it was lane 10 or 11. I stutter, stammer, sputter and stumble before finally apologizing for being wrong for the 1720382983092nd time. So the moral of this story is that I should never question anything that this woman says. She is always right. But it just seemed so damn crazy that the technology in the bowling industry has gotten so advanced. So I apologized for not believing her and vowed to never again dispute anything she said. I then hung up the phone� a man defeated�

So I sat here thinking, when did bowling go hi-tech and how did I miss it? I don�t know the answers to these questions, but I figured I could found out just how far the technology has gone. I popped open a cold Bud 16 ouncer, grabbed a bag of cheetos and embarked on my journey of discovery�

Every good bowler needs to get a grip. Every good bowler then MUST need AMF Bowlers Tape.

For $50 you can have over 500 pieces of this original and leading tape!!! The benefits to this advancement our astounding� mind boggling even!
�Designed to customize your hole size and improve your gripping power� Ok now as I mentioned earlier we know that bowlers do not score very often, and we know that I won the Lowest Scoring Bowler, but this I just don�t see this tape helping me score. Personally I do not see the benefit in customizing my hole size. As for my gripping power, GI Joe has nothing on MY Kung Fu grip!
My recommendation � Worthless, won�t improve scoring and won�t make you a better bowler either.

For a measly $48 you can get this assorted bag of goodies, designed to help the average bowler turn into a Master Scorer. Tools and products conveniently encased include:
Rosin Bag in vinyl pouch � fair enough, palms get sweaty when trying to score.
Skin patch � what this is I have no idea, but I would think that one would want to have some sort of �degree� in medicine up to and including an M.D, before applying any sort of �skin patch�.
Easy Slide � Slides have always confused me. You climb up the ladder and then what??? Thank GOD someone has come up with an EASY one. Bout damn time! Now if they can only devise the easy teeter totter!
Grip Sac � Grip Sac is more of a technique but they have somehow included it in here, and if one thing included in this kit will help you score, it is the Grip Sac!
Insert Tape (smooth and textured) and Tape Insert Tool � Now by insert tape (smooth and textured) I assume that they are referring to the objects sold in the prophylactic vending machines in the bathroom. The tape insert tool, I would assume, is for our lesbian bowling friends! Not that there is anything wrong with that!

For a paltry $11 yours can be this 6oz bottle of �Hook It� fluid stuff. This fine product removes oil, dirt and belt marks from your balls. Now call me a prude, or something, but I cannot for the life of me remember ever having dirt or belt marks on either of my balls. But if you have, then THIS is the ointment for you! The only selling point that could actually get me to purchase is the fact that it increases �Tac�t for greater hook. When trying to score, the hook is essential!

For the blue light specialesque price of $7 you can have your very own pair of Master Glo Bowling Socks! Everyone knows that when trying to score more, good fashion is a necessity. These socks are designed for �glo bowling� which I have no clue as to what that is, but with the coyly placed XXX any voluptuous vixen that happens to glance your way will SURELY get the idea that you are a man that is ready to score! One size fits all, but as we all know, when it comes to scoring, SIZE MATTERS! Stuffing some tissue or bowler�s tape to increase the size couldn�t hurt!

The Ebonite Powerhouse Oil Free See-Saw is the most superfluous, and thankfully last, item on the list. The oil-absorbing attributes of the giant see saw gives you the ability to quick clean your ball. That is the selling point. Furthermore Ebonite claims to have come up with these innovations: Its great to carry your ball from your bag to the lanes; it protects your ball from the inside of the bag and it is long lasting.
The problem with this is that the ancient inventor, God, came up with a similar invention� the Scrotum. He is sueing for the rights�

So bowling has come a long way, since Team Munson�s award winning run in the mid 90s. So many innovative ways to score now, its scary. Even the most mulleted of all bowlers has a chance! Thank you bowling scientists and thank you Rhi!

On a personal note� Mount St. Helens blew yesterday, it erupted. Scientists say that the effects are not yet known, yet a Reston VA seismologist predicts an eruption in the area at any time!