Polls

Poleing has become an excellent tool in the election process. The politician finds the pole a useful tool in gauging his popularity with potential voters. It�s generally a better gauge with the female constituency (unless running for governor of New Jersey). Politicans have used the pole to garner support and gain favor for years. Washington, Jefferson and others garnered the support of their slaves with this tool. Kennedy won over Hollywood stars and Clinton rallied his interns with it. I am no different. Once elected president, I plan on using poleing to garner the support and respect of my vice president.

Polling has also become an excellent tool used in the election process. Polls can give a fairly accurate assessment of how the public feels on different issues important in the upcoming election. So Team �Get Clarke Off the Couch and Into the White House� has done some extensive polling and has come back with the following results�

The Issues:
In early polling Clarke has an early lead on both Kerry and Bush when it comes to the economy. When asked which economic plan would be best for the country Clarke enjoyed overwhelming success�

Which economic package is best for America�s future:
Bush�s tax cuts, repeal of the Estate Tax and No Executive Left Behind Act - 23%
Kerry�s Roll Back of Bush�s Tax cuts, deficit reduction and No Condiment Company Left Behind Act - 23%
Clarke�s Mandatory Shoe and beer discount pricing, Buy one get one free Nachos and No Sex Toy Left Behind Act - 64%

Millions of jobs have been lost in the last few years who�s employment package is the best?
Bush�s McJobs for Amurica plan - 12%
Kerry�s �.um�Kerry has a plan? - 12%
Clarke�s sexy package - 86%

Pat Clarke also has a strong edge in environmental issues�

Whose policies do you believe will better protect the environment?
Bush�s Oil For Earth project - 6%
Kerry�s Waffles For Water project - 6%
Clarke�s Ozzfest for Ozone Summer Concert Series - 98%

Camp Clarke decided that it would be helpful to gain a greater understanding of the ideological makeup of his supporters, opponents and the undecided voters�

What would you most like to see lowered, taxes, greenhouse emissions, or beer prices?
Bush Backers - Taxes 66%; Greenhouse Emissions .03%; Beer Prices 33.7%
Kerry Supporters Taxes 23%; Greenhouse Emissions 64%; Beer Prices 13%
Clarke Fans Taxes 0%; Greenhouse Emissions 0%; Beer Prices 59%; Female shirts 51%.

What Federal Law like, needs to go and stuff?
Bushies - The Bill of Rights 72%; The Clean Air Act 28%
Kerryies - Capital Punishment 46%; The Second Amendment 54%
Clarkeies - Any law limiting alcohol consumption, sexual positions, speed limits, or television content 110%

What qualities best suit a successful presidential candidate?
For Bush - Honesty 1%; Intelligence 5%; Moral Fiber 64%; A Regular Guy 30%
For Kerry � Honesty 1%; Intelligence 20%; Moral Fiber 5%; Wind Surfing Bass Playing ROCKER 74%
For Clarke - Honesty 46%; Intelligence 0%; Moral Fiber 0%; A Hot VP 64%

Is the Country heading in the right direction?
Bush Supporters - Yes 83%; No 16%; Don�t understand the question�.wait no that was Bush that didn�t understand the question not his supporters, change the 16 to 17�sorry for the inconvenience.
Kerry Supporters - Yes 3%; No 96%; Yes� I mean no I mean yes I mean no I mean yes wait shit, I meant to say no shit what wsa the question? Wait�.1000 apologies once again that was Kerry�s response and not that of his supporters, please change that to 97% said no. Thanks� ed
Clarke Supporters - Yes 2%; No 51%; He he, huh huh, he he, ha ha�..he said ereaction!!!! 57%... wait no that 57% includes Clarke himself, so change that to 56% and change the no to 51%... the person incharge of this pole has been fired!

So there you have it the early results are in. To all you math wizards out there that are going to flood the net with your blogs and emails about how skewed these stats are, by claiming that the percentages don�t add up, you need to listen up and listen good. Clarke and his backers feel that there is no I in team. We also feel that there is no U in masterbation. And we really don�t feel that there is a me in temperance. We don�t give 100% like the rest of you slackers, us slackers give 110!!!