i was talking last night with Melinda Sue last night til the wee hours of the morning. And the crux of the conversation, towards the end, was God and our religious beliefs. Melinda has a strong faith in God. She was taken aback, i believe that my faith is not so strong. i found myself getting frustrated in that. At first i found myself frustrated that she couldn�t see why i had my doubts, but towards the end i grew frustrated because i felt that i let her down, as a friend and as a human. For the record, i love Melinda very much, she is a wonderful person and i feel this way a lot with her� i feel like a letdown. More on that later, i am off topic again i am sorry. Told you i am not good at this serious stuff�

So i went to bed, toss and turned feeling bad, like she hated me or felt i was a heathen and what not, but finally i made it to the land of Nod. i woke up this morning and showered, got ready for class, like usual and headed out the door� After my first cup of Lipton�s Brisk, i started going over the night�s conversation with Melinda. And it dawned on me that i don�t know who or what God is. i have been to 12 years of Catholic schooling, have served as an altar boy, sang in the choir, read the first reading (Deuteronomy) at mass and STILL knew nothing about God. So today i decided to play hookey and find God. A daunting task for sure, especially on 3 hour�s sleep, but nonetheless i wanted a greater understanding.

i don�t know if God is Allah, Yaweh, Jesus, or Michael Jordan, but i do know that he is popular. Many of my best friends are firm believers, all of my family is for the most part, and many of the world�s most intelligent people know God. So why not me? I�m rambling again, but this was my thought process in the morning rush hour. So i figured the best place to find God would be in the outdoors. God can�t be inside, especially on such a beautiful day! So i drove to the George Washington National Forest out in the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia, and begin my search�

The drive started off eerily enough. I turned on am 980 espn sports radio show, and the topic all day was about a Los Angeles Dodger, Sean Green, who is not going to play in a very crucial game on Saturday due to the back that it is Yom Kippur. They were debating on whether or not this is a valid reason to miss such a big game. The general consensus by the ex-jocks on the radio was that he owes it to the team to show up even on such a holy day. What�s odd, is i found myself siding with the player, thinking that i wish i had some day sooooo important for me to choose to put my career in jeopardy. i found myself Jealous of Sean Green NOT because he is a multi millionaire jock, but because, he believed in something. I found myself upset that i don�t have anything to believe in.

So i get to George Washington Forest, and i just pull off on the side of the road and i eat some yogurt and i look around. The beautiful sun shining, the slight breeze, making the trees sway, back and forth, and the sounds of birds somewhere off in the distance! I think to myself, that this may be God! Or at least, if he is responsible for this, then he is a good God and i would like to thank him. i remember feeling this way when i was at Playa Naranjo in Costa Rica�

GOD

Playa Naranjo is the most beautiful place i have been to on Earth. It is this pristine beach that you have to hike to get to. No cars, no boardwalk, no hotels no people. There are some big sea turtles there that lay eggs, but other than that it is untouched. i think i forgot God, somewhere between then and now. i can�t pinpoint it, but i remember looking at that huge rock, with the ocean water crashing up on it, and realizing that God probably smiled when he made this, and that he wanted to hide it from people, because such a beautiful sight, should only be for those that work hard to see it!

So, what happened between Playa Naranjo and now? i was 22 then, am 32 now. i had long brown hair then, bald and grey now. i�ve had some great times since then, made new friends, lived in Central America for a bit, traveled the country, saw the world�s largest prairie dog. i have had a good ten years to be sure. Granted there were hard times. i lost my Godfather that i loved like he was my own father, i lost Jaeger, my best friend, amongst other things, but by in large i can�t complain. So as i sat there in the woods, i can�t come up with a why, just that i know that i don�t know, and i hate that!

Two plus two equals four, it is easily shown. The sky is blue, my hairline is receding� These are all things that easy for me to comprehend. i find that i NEED proof for things. i NEED something somehow someway to show me�.�Hey this is me GOD, you need to believe in me!� Melinda told me that i would know this at the birth of a child. i have never had the luck to bring a kid into this world, so that is not something i can point to. But without that sorta proof, i just find myself struggling. It is like that with every intangible thing in life for me. When someone says they think they are attracted to me, i think they are lying, until they actually show it by kissing me or showing some sort of affection, though even that doesn�t always prove it. i just need more proof than most i guess. Theirs is a song by XTC called Dear God, and it pretty much sums up some of my questions:

Dear God,

Hope you got the letter,

And I pray you can make it better down here.

I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer,

But all the people that you made in your image,

See them starving on their feet,

'Cause they don't get enough to eat

Dear God,

sorry to disturb you,

but I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.

We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,

And all the people that you made in your image,

See them fighting in the street,

'Cause they can't make opinions meet,

It is just hard for me to think of a God that can make something so beautiful as this forest, Playa Naranjo and the Grand Tetons, yet allows people to starve and be slaughtered in The Congo, while 10 million dollar a year, baseball player�s take a day off to honor God�s name. Wouldn�t God rather have him spend a million on rice to feed the Congolese? That�s where i have the conflict, and that i think is why i have so many problems with it. There are so many contradictions and complexities and unknowns and i am not good with it.

So i haven�t really come up with anything great, and like i said, it probably has put you all to sleep but i just felt that it is something i had to write. i know that Melinda will read this and i want her to know that our conversation made me think and made me upset at myself and made me drive out there to the mountains. i was going to write her a letter telling her how much i care about her, and how sorry i am that i find myself constantly disappointing her. i was going to write and tell her that she is the most Beautiful woman not named Natalie, Rachael, Karen, Barbara or Laura. i was going to tell her that i find myself feeling that i am not worthy of her friendship, however know and am thankful that i get to be her friend. This is the best i could come up with...

But then i thought that maybe someone out there could feel my pain, and maybe get something good out of knowing that there is another doubter out there. So i decided to post it. i will keep you all posted from time to time, on my search for God. i would love to think that Jaeger is up there in heaven with God, chasing squirrels. i would love to believe that Uncle John is there, in heaven, Jamming on the vibes with Lionel Hampton and Duke Ellington. i would love to believe that �.i too can believe.