As you may recall a few weeks ago or so I did a classically inept Entry on the wonderful power ballad, Sister Christian by those wonderful ROCKERS, Night Ranger! Well a good friend of mine, Mr. Nick Backspace, has asked me to �deconstruct� the lyrics of the song Chattahoochie by that ROCKING Country Dude, Alan Jackson. Before I go into the lyrical genius of Mr. Jackson, I would like to tell you all the history, Mr. Backspace has for this song, and why he probably chose it for dissection�

A few years back Backspace somehow tricked an otherwise bright and beautiful young woman, into marrying him. Well, I was fortunate enough to be invited to be one of Backspace�s groomsmen and fortunate enough to attend his bachelor party. So� long story short, we went to a comedy club, and saw a funny comedian that was talking about how he was driving through Tennessee and heard the song Chatahoochie on the radio and he did a funny schpeal on it�.

Then the following day, we went to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner at the Air Force Academy rehearsal dinner place. It was pretty cool they had a bar with pool tables so being the drunken pool players that we are, we migrated there quickly. So, we�re playing pool, and I�m kicking everyone�s ass as usual, when I notice that they have a free juke box, so I go over to the jukebox and lo and behold there is Backspace�s friend Jim, who points out that they it has the Chattahoochie on it. So we play it�. My other buddy�s, sweet and lovable (now ex) girlfriend did not take to this very well. She got all pissed and was upset that we chose to play such a stupid redneck song! So as anyone who has had the great fortune and good luck of meeting me in person will tell you, I can sometimes revel in being a jackass! This was one such time. Seeing as how, Farah (named changed to protect the guilty) didn�t like this song very much, I thought it would be a hoot to select it to be played 12154648878786456464848978978191818919848481918198181899181 times! And boy was it a hoot! So much of a hoot that Jim, John, Nick, I and others danced like morons to it the following day at the reception like 14 times! So that is the background, so without any further ado�Here is, by request of my good friend Nick Backspace�.The Chatahoochie�

To gain knowledge of The Chattahoochie, it is first important to define it. My good friends over at Dictionary.com have always been helpful with this in the past, so it was the first place I checked. But they had no definition. They seem to believe that it is spelt Chattahoochee, which is some river in Georgia or some shit, but knowing that was just completely absurd I figured I would just break it down and go from there.

First part � Chat� Well we all know that chat is something that women do on the phone. Chat is when women talk about how their boyfriend, Pat, is so well hung and can go for hours. Chat is when women talk about how they wish their husbands/boyfriends could be a sexual dynamo, like the almighty Pat.

Second Part � A. Means�.a.

Third Part � Hooch. Liquor (especially bootlegged and illegal), marijuana (only legal if you have �glaucoma� wink wink) or a thatched hut dwelling.

Fourth Part � IE. Meaning for example or some shit.

So by breaking it down it is obvious to me that the Chattahoochie is an example of drunk and stoned women talking amongst themselves about how hot and well hung I am and how I can go for hours upon hours� pleasing women everywhere.

And now we shall see what Alan Jackson thinks it is�

Way down yonder on the chattahoochee
It gets hotter than a hoochie coochie

Well it�s obvious that upon writing this song, Mr. Jackson went to the dictionary.com site and mistakenly thought it was actually a river! What a moron! The second line he is simply stating that it is really hot out, and so damn hot that one might say it�s hotter than a hoochie coochie. Huh? One might read this and say �how much bong water was this guy drinking when he wrote this?� So I did some research� and when I googled hoochie coochie, it clearly showed that the Hoochie Coochie is some great sitcom!

As you can plainly see, both Charo's dress and this TV show are HOT!!!! Better stated they are CALIENTE!!!!!

We laid rubber on the georgie asphalt
We got a little crazy but we never got caught

It is clear to me that, laying rubber means, putting on a prophylactic and having intercourse. With this in mind asphalt (read ASS FAULT) is an obvious allusion to da butt! So laying rubber on the georgia asphalt must mean protected butt sex! So you can imagine my horror, and shock to find the following, when I googled �georgie�

So disgustingly, I came to the realization that this song must be some weird gay fantasy that Mr. Alan �I was an extra in the movie Deliverance� Jackson must have had. So when I read on and see him say �We got a little crazy but we never got caught�, my stomach turns. But you know what Mr. Jackson??? Consider yourself caught now bitch! And a little crazy??? I�d hate to see what you consider alotta crazy�.Well anyway I digress, and I didn�t really mean to call him bitch� back to the song�

Down by the river on a Friday night
A pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
Talking �bout cars and dreaming �bout women
Never

So Alan and fellow boys got drunk down by the river. Apparently they met up with Matt Foley, who lives in a van down there. They talked about cars and that was pretty much it. I find it superfluous for Mr. Jackson to state that they dreamt about women never, but I think he�s really trying to push home his point that he likes men and women�.they are just�..ewwwwwwwww! Gross!!! On a similar note, his latest single Women Have Cooties on the Chattahoochee just got released�.I�ll review that in a later entry�

had a plan just a livin� for the minute
Yeah way down yonder on the chattahoochee
Never knew how much that muddy water meant to me
But I learned how to swim and I learned who I was
A lot about livin� and a litttle �bout love

So Mr. Jackson had a plan and he was living for the minute. This means that he is, how shall I put it� a minute man. As for me� as any of the plethoras of hot women (both real and imaginary) will tell you, I am living for the hours�. but I digress� He then says that he never realized what that MUDDY �water� meant to me�but I will leave that one alone�. As a matter of fact I�m just going to go to the next verse altogether� I have to eat tonight�

Well we fooged up the windows in my old Chevy
I was willing but she wasn�t ready
So a settled for a burger and a grape sno-cone
Dropped her off early but I didn�t go home

Ok the first line seems fucked up. But I have to go with the lyrics before me. So back to google I go to figure out what the fuck a foog is�Ok back� did you miss me??? Of course you didn�t what a dumb question�.forget I said that�So! I googled foog and found the following:

So apparently foog is a star trekkie, comic book buying, never get out of the house, bearded guy. So fooged up means doing that to the windows of his old chevy! (See above comment about bong water intake.) He was willing but she wasn�t ready refers to how his chevy wouldn�t start in revolt against the aforementioned star trekkie geeking of her poor windows! So he ate a greasy burger, and had a nice dessert and you then dropped the kids off at the pool!

Then he repeats the verse about the pyramid of cans yadda yadda yadda..

Wow he�s really repetitive, talking about georgies asphalt again.

Oh shit its all stuff that I have already opined on� so well I guess ill cut and paste that for you, so you don�t think i'm copping out to make this shorter�.

Down by the river on a Friday night
A pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
Talking �bout cars and dreaming �bout women
Never had a plan just a livin� for the minute
Yeah way down yonder on the chattahoochee
Never knew how much that muddy water meant to me
But I learned how to swim and I learned who I was
A lot about livin� and a litttle �bout love

Way down yonder on the chattahoochee
It gets hotter than a hoochie coochie
We laid rubber on the georgie asphalt
We got a little crazy but we never got caught

Well we fooged up the windows in my old chevy
I was willing but she wasn�t ready
So a settled for a burger and a grape sno-cone
Dropped her off early but I didn�t go home

Down by the river on a Friday night
A pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
Talking �bout cars and dreaming �bout women
Never had a plan just a livin� for the minute
Yeah way down yonder on the chattahoochee
Never knew how much that muddy water meant to me
But I learned how to swim and I learned who I was
A lot about livin� and a litttle �bout love

Repetitive sonofabitch ain't he! Well so that is my take on Alan �Action� Jackson�s song�Chatahootchie!

As for my buddy Mr. Backspace, he is in fact a far better writer than I, so I would like to challenge him to get his own diary land journal thingy, and when he does, opine on the lyrics �Family Reunion by Blink182�