It has been brought to my attention that people at this time of year, like to sit back and reflect on their lives and come up with ways to better themselves. So seeing as how I am a people, I sat back and reflected on my life and came up with the following�1) Drink more beer; 2) Eat More Nachos and 3) Do LOTS AND LOTS of Chicks!

So, I was talking with my good friend Doodle the other night about resolutions and her response to mine, went something like �um�Pat�.I don�t think that would�um...like�better yourself and stuff. Bettering your waistline maybe�but that is not the point of self betterment. How about you become more compassionate and sensitive�more like a Tom Hanks, Dr Phil or Bill Clinton Type! Chicks dig the compassionate sensitive guys! Chicks never go for the womanizing, chauvinist type!� So I thought about it and thought about it Long and I thought about it Hard. And after thinking about the long and hard of it, I decided that it would be a good idea to browse the latest Victoria�s Secret lingerie sales catalog, in the bathroom�with Valentine�s day coming up and all�figured it would be a great idea to get� like� a jump on the things�and stuff.

So, after picking out a really nice gift set for my girlfriend to be named later, I decided that Doodle was in fact right, as she always is. I decided that I do in fact, need to be more sensitive. All of this sensitivity will be visible in my demeanor as well as in my future journal entries. My previously crass, vulgar and barbaric bantering will be replaced with charming, virtuous and beautiful brilliance�well maybe not brilliance but www.thesaurus.com didn�t have a good b word for insight�but anyway�So I have decided to show to you, my friends�the new�kinder�gentler�sensitive Pat�.

So without any further ado� I present to you�in living blue and white�I think�hell its been so long since I�ve posted to this thing that I forget what my font looks like, but if it is anything but white, please pardon my ignorance���so�I present to you� My 12 Step Plan to a Kinder Sensitive Pat in 2005�

Step 1) Admitting I Am Powerless Over My Insensitivity - Ok Ok. �Nice Tits�wanna fuck?� is not a good introduction�I know this. But I mean, it IS honest at least. I mean if a chick has a nice set of knockers, every man on earth is going to want to hit that�.whoops�sorry I was digressing back to my insensitive ways. What I meant to say was that in the past I was insensitive and now I know that I gotta be more compassionate to the bitches, cause they deserve it. I know that when I�m taking a hotass motherfucking chick out on a date, it IS good to hold the door open for her. Hell you can even check out dat ass you�re going to hit later, as they walk in front of you! I also know that it IS nice to look at her eyes as opposed her rack. I mean if you wanna see the puppies later, it is well worth the effort to stare at her eyes, cause she is a woman and she deserves some eye contact. I also know that it�s a good idea to bite the bullet and give her some �foreplay� whatever the fuck that is. I figure I�ll just google it before I go out on my next date! So, as I now know, being more sensitive has its perks!

Step 2)Come To Believe That A Power Greater Than Ourselves Can Restore Our Sensitivity - In order for one to turn from a Hugh Hefneresque male pig into a kind and sensitive Leonardo Di Caprio type, requires one to believe in a greater power. That power, of course, is the power of da booty. And if you wanna tap dat booty you gotta embrace that motherfucker. So the new, compassionate, me believes in the all powerful, and mighty, great booty. And by embracing it with arms and schlong wide open�I will become sensitive.

Step 3)Make A Decision To Turn My Will and My Life To The Care Of God As We Understand Him - Well in order to achieve this step it is first important to define �God�. So I sat back, Indian style, closed my eyes and meditated and came to the conclusion that I don�t know how to meditate. I then looked up at the title of my blog and it appeared to me like a vision��God Of Whine��therefore this step means that I am a god or some shit�probably some shit for sure, but ill go with god. So I then realized that �as I understand Him (god�ergo me)� means my penis. I understand me solely as my penis. My penis is me. It defines me and makes me who I am. My life is already given to my penis so I must have this step half done already! So all that is left for me to do, is to turn my Will over to my penis. So I met with my attorney and have bequeathed my entire estate to my schlong.

Step 4)Our Life�s Names, Resentments, Turnarounds, Fears, Sex, Assets - My Life�s Names are my family, friends and Mr. Happy. I don�t really understand this step�but I guess its good to understand that Mr. Happy is family just like the rest! Resentments is the part where I am supposed to talk about people I resent. I resent every guy that gets to do a hot chick. Whew that was easy� I can feel the sensitivity oozing at this point�i'm flowing with compassion and understanding�no whoops that�s just the booze talking�but I digress. In the Turnabouts section I am to talk about how my Resentments effect me� Well shit Einstein I think its fairly fucking obvious that if OTHER guys get to doink a hot chick�unless she is into the m�nage�.I ain�t hitting that shit, so I mean the �Turnabout� would be me not getting any�.where the hell do they think this crap up anyway? But I digress�.Fears is where I talk about stuff that I am afraid of. I have a fear of loathing in Las Vegas and I have a fear of waking up and having my nuts bit off by a Laplander. But other than that I think that I am pretty fearless and think that this question is BULLSHIT! Sex is the section where we discuss our sex lives and how being a male pig has effected it. Well being the insensitive, womanizing, pig that I am has greatly effected my sex life. I mean every night I have to come home with a new 19 year old gymnast that just wants to ride me for hours on end, with no commitment or feelings involved whatsoever��.wait a minute Doodle, why am I doing this again? Now we come to the last phase of this step�.Assets. This section we write down how are male pigist ways have effected our assets. Health � eh, I think being a male pig doesn�t effect my health in any way shape or form�well cept maybe the vd. Drivers license � why in the hell do they ask how it would effect that? Blow jobs while driving are TOTALLY safe�geesh. Relationships � well being a pig has probably been bad for my relationship with my pastor since every Saturday I spend about 9 hours in confession.

Step 5)Admit To god(me), Ourselves(me too) And To Another Human (Doodle) The Nature Of Our Wrongs - Well I have admitted to me and to me and Doodle was the one that first brought it up, so this fucking step is a complete waste of my time!

Step 6)Be Entirely Ready To Have god(me) Remove This Defect Of Character - I am totally ready to have me remove this defect of character. The problem is the lack of defect of character. But once I find out what my defect of character is�you can rest assured that i�m going to get rid of that motherfucker.

Step 7)Humbly Ask Him(me) To Remove My Shortcoming - Well to understand this step, one must first define their shortcoming. So as any woman that has been with me knows�I don�t have much free time. I am always on the go and in a rush, which leads me to my only shortcoming�.short cumming. A busy guy like me doesn�t have much more than 23 seconds to offer at a time�and unless i�m drunk as shit, that�s all she gets! So it is in this light that I humbly ask me to remove my short cumming and replace it with long drawn out 47 second cumming!

Step 8)Make A List Of All Harmed And Become Willing To Make Amends - To All the girls I've loved before�who I shall list now�Rosie Palma, Betsy Blowup, Patsy Pocketpleaser and Jenna Jamesonvaginasimulator. I am sorry for the hours and hours of abuse you have received over the years and it is at this point that I am willing to make amends with you all!

Step 9)Make Amends With Them Except When Doing So Would Injure Them Or Others - Oh shit�my bad�making amends to the aforementioned group would injure my schlong which as I mentioned earlier is god as I understand him. So you understand!

Step 10)Continue To Take Personal Inventory - Ok this one is easy I just have to make sure that my person is here. Hands�.check�.penis�.check�feet�check�.penis�.check�balls�check�penis�check�.arms�check�hair�.um shit forget that one�.penis�check�.head�check� Ok all is good with this step. Whew I am on the ROAD TO RECOVERY here! 10 steps in and none of my body parts have fallen off!

Step 11) Sought Through Prayer and Meditation to Improve Our Conscious Contact with god as We Understood Him(my schlong), Praying Only for Knowledge of His Will For us and the Power to Carry that Out - So I sit down and try to meditate�but then I remember that I have no fucking clue how to mediate so I just wing it. Luckily this step seems clear and easy. I obviously need to improve my conscious contact with god as I know him (my penis). I SEE!!!!! To be a sensitive man I need to make contact with my penis as much as possible. So how could I make contact with my penis anymore than I already do? The way I figure it, I touch my schlong about 840384903849083094839048930 times a day but this is apparently not enough. To achieve total sensitivity I need to permanently affix my palm to my Johnson. So I went to the store and asked the lady at CVS, if she had a product that would permanently place my left hand on my dick�.

After posting $5000 bail, I caught a cab home and realized that crazy glue would probably do the trick, and by golly if they aren�t permanent partners I don�t know who are!

Step 12)Having Had A Spiritual Awakening We Carry Our Message Of Sensitivity To Other Insensitive Pigs - So I got Krazy Glue to sponsor a college campus lecture tour, where I explained to all the fraternity brothers the joys of being a well adjusted, sensitive man. If I could change just one male chauvinist out there�it would all be worth it!

My Penis Bless You!

Everyone!