Today I was watching Sports Center on ESPN, when I saw the announcement that the �NHL� had cancelled its �hockey� season. Apparently a bunch of grown up white guys from Canada and Europe, put on helmets, and skate around on some oval ice �rink� while trying to smack some black rubber thing into this net they call �the goal�. Yeah yeah I know�I�ve never heard of it either. But apparently this thing has been around for quite some time, and they are having some sorta labor dispute and have decided to cancel their season. After the announcement, ESPN went to a living room in Embarrass, Minnesota where they found a real life, hockey fan. This homo sapien, actually was upset at hearing the cancellation of the season, �Man this is the darkest day in the history of sports!� a lamenting Dorkus Goodluck offered. �Not since UPN cancelled Star Trek the Next Generation, have I been this distraught! I don�t know how I can go on!�

Dorkus Goodluck, in happier days.

Not since Pee Wee Herman got arrested for wacking off, has such a shocking and sordid private life of a celebrity been so crassly revealed. Back in January, conservative Christian wacko group, Focus on the Family, revealed the shocking truth to the world, that Mr. Squarepants is in fact a homosexual. And if that weren�t evil and wrong enough, Spongebob wants to make YOUR CHILDREN gay too! It�s not enough to be neat, have good fashion sense, and listen to Josh Groban. Mr. Squarepants has chosen his TV show, and various video tapes to spread this insipid message of �tolerance�

There was a video made by an immoral group called the We Are Family Foundation. The video shows various children�s television show characters (Barney, Big Bird, Spongebob etc�) singing the 70s, gay promoting hit, We Are Family, by the obviously gay band Sister Sledge. According to their website, the video which was to be dispersed to schools throughout the country, was remixed to �Speak the message of Diversity and tolerance to Elementary school children nationwide.� That is gayloverese for �we want elementary school kids to grow up to become immoral and satanic homosexuals.�

Spongebob spreading his gay message with the masses. � AP file photo

The NY times reports that Focus on the Family leader, James Dobson, has attacked Mr. Squarepants for being a flamer, at a pre-inauguration dinner in DC. Dobson believes that Spongebob and his sidekick, Patrick, are fags because they hold hands, which goes against the rarely enforced 11th commandment, thou shalt not hold hands with a starfish if thine species ist that of a sponge. Dobson also states that any sponge that enjoys a TV show called �Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy� has GOT to be a fudge packer! Scientists have yet to confirm if sponges or starfishes have fudge or not�details forthcoming. Skeptics abound as usual, so I figured it would be prudent to delve into this sordid world of Mr. Squarepants� to see if there was any basis to Mr. Dobson�s claims, and what I found will both shock and awe you!!!

A clearly flaming homo Sponge with fellow flaming �friend�.

I have to admit that when I heard this story I was like �who in the fucking hell could actually believe that a cartoon sponge could actually be gay or actually promote gayness? I mean what religious wacko came up with this fucking shit? Holy fucking hell crap damn shit and stuff!� And then I saw this picture. And now I know. Spongebob is in fact �.a gay sailor. All this time I thought he was a harmless sponge that lived in a pineapple under the sea. But as the above picture clearly shows, not only does he hold hands with a starfish, but he has a sugar daddy too that takes him out shopping! Apparently too, Mr. Spongebob has some unit on him too. Notice how Spongebob lover smirks as he points at his groin! Coincidence???? I think not! So Spongebob is gay. No big deal right? I mean, hell lots of people are gay. Siegfried, Roy, Brad Pitt, Curt Schilling, Scott Norwood, Jar Jar Binks... the two main actors on Nip and Tuck�lots of people are gay so it shouldn�t matter right??? Well think again� Spongebob has taken his message to the streets and is infiltrating children everywhere!!!!! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

Spongebob coercing young Chrissy Johnson, into his wicked world of women on women loving.

Spongebob has a lot of pull in the 3-12 demographic. The kids seem to like him. Therefore it will be easy for him to preach his fag ways to our unsuspecting youth. Before you know it, children will be tolerant of one another. No more bullies on the playground. Little boys with their hair neatly combed and shirts tucked in. Girls with short, easy to manage hair cuts. Girls that actually enjoy football, and understand the rules. Bra sales will plummet, as girls grow to learn that it�s cool to just be free and let it all hang out. Yes, if Spongebob has his way our world will be transformed to that of a bunch of neatly dressed, polite and tolerant queers. He must be stopped now, however it may be too late. Mr. (or you could say Ms) Squarepants has expanded his horizons and now has his sights set on a new group of the population�.

Your Granny could be next!!!

So James Dobson I take back that �you are a dumbass motherfucking, conservative, religious wacko zealot, Bush financing, moron non evolution believing, piece of shit, asshole, shithead, gay bashing, racist, asshole person� talk that I said earlier. You are right. Spongebob, Barney, Sesame Street and other educational and entertaining children�s shows are immoral, and evil tools of the Evil horned one to be sure. Thank you for opening my eyes and my wallet to your cause!

Arvada, Colorado � Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle pastor, Father John Williams has never been fellated by boys, or girls for that matter. Even more startling, the strange man openly admitted, to a stunned crowd at a press conference yesterday, that he has never had any sexual act performed on him by anyone at anytime! �Ladies and gentlemen it is with great regret and embarrassment that I tell you all that I am a 47 year old virgin.� Williams confessed to the shock and awestruck crowd. �I have never had sexual relations with boys, girls, ladies, gentlemen, starfish or sponges.� You could hear a pin drop as the packed hall of non virgin reporters and parishioners looked on in disgust.

�This just goes to show the sad state of affairs in our country today, where a grown man would get up in admit to never having banged the booted, or tickled the tonsils of another person.� an openly angry Wally Ballue complained. �I mean first we elect the first convicted criminal ever into the White House. Then we shun bare breasted half time shows for aging, washed up rocker shows! And now this? Virgins amongst us? I�m just speechless, this is not the type of role model I want my kids around, and I think its time for a move! Oh Canada! Oh Canada!�

On a similar note in other recently unreported news, apparently the number of expatriates moving to Canada has tripled since Bush was re-elected. Some pundits say this is based on the poor performance of our President but I know it was the virgins!

NORTH KOREA POSES CLEAR AND PRESENT NUCLEAR DANGER TO THE U.S.�..- In Response�U.S. Prepares Plans To Invade Iran

The Pentagon, Virginia � For the first time every, the North Korean government has openly admitted to having nuclear weapons that could strike the United States. Previously the little guy with the silly glasses denied ever actually having these weapons but now, following Spongebob�s example, he has decided to come out of the closet and declare that they do. Kim �the Bong� Jong II claims that they are for defensive purposes only and are only to prevent a preemptive strike from the United States aggressive aggressors. When asked to comment Secretary of State Condi Rice responded with something like �we shall work with the nations of the region to come to a diplomatic solution with North Korea. The United States has no designs on invading North Korea.�

Then, when asked by a non conservative white house planted gay escort named Jeff Gannon reporter asked �well what are you going to do about this impending threat? How will you make the world safe from this nuclear threat?� To which she answered �we have intelligence that clearly shows that Iran has been developing nuclear weapons to destroy the United States and they have to be stopped, and if that means bombing the fuck out of them, so be it.� Rice went on to note that there is a precedent for ignoring a real, clear and present danger (al Qaeda) and acting on a fabricated and fake danger (Iraq), as long as America�s interests were at stake. She stated that since Korea has to import all their food and oil, the fact that their fanatically insane leader has a bomb that could wipe out California is immaterial. We need to stay focused on the real threat that faces us in these troubling times�..

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