Somehow, someway, I got conned by some hot chick to watch a soap opera on Monday, last week. Apparently there was something exciting going on and I just �had to see it!� Now, I would be lying to you if I were to say that I �like the opera��or �use soap.� And I would also be lying to you if I were to say that I have never watched a soap opera before. When I was a little kid I got the chicken pox which was fucking sweet! Unfortunately, my older, kniving, evil, diabolical sister had chicken pox as well, and somehow managed to control the pre-remote control television. She made my brother (had the pox too) and I, sit through the morning talk shows, Andy Griffith and All My Children. I got to follow the wedding of Jenny and Greg, the insanity of Erica Kane and some old dude that seemed diabolical and mean�I think his name was Chandler or some shit... but I digress� My history with the soaps continued when I was a grown up kid, in Costa Rica. I had lack of American TV pox which fucking sucked. I was stuck choosing between Baywatch, The Simpons or Home Improvement�all dubbed in Spanish, or I could watch some of the local fare. I ended up settling on a Latino soap opera called Esmeralda. I can�t really recall what the plot was, but there were a lot of hot Latina chicks, that would get in fights and have lots of affairs and stuff. But I am really digressing�the point of this rambling paragraph, is that my friend asked me to watch Days of Our Lives on Monday, and I did. And I thought it would be really neato to critique a week of the show for you, my dear friends, so that you could be kept a breast of the Days of Our Lives�.

I have to preface this by saying that I came into this episode midway well actually probably more towards the end of the show. I was told that �something big was about to happen and I just had to see it!� I turned on the tube to channel 4 to find a bride and a groom standing at the altar exchanging vows. I put two and two together and figured out that the two of them were getting married. Being the expert on the Soap Opera genre, I was surprised that this would be something that I would �have to see� but I kept on watching. When all of a sudden you could hear a noise in the background�.�what could that be?� I thought to myself�.�AHA!!! A LAWNMOWER! Someone is mowing the snow in the churchyard! Of course! The gardener must have figured that he�d whip out his cheap John Deere mower to clear a path for all the church goers!� It was all making sense�but then the look on one of the attendees revealed that something more diabolical and unthinkable was about to occur. With a look I haven�t seen since revealing my schlong to Susie Creamcheese back in 96, the stunned attendee shouted �No he wouldn�t when all of a sudden�.

The unthinkable, became thinkable. The shocking became predicable. Horror became unhorrorlike. The jilted ex lover of the notquiteasjilted bride, crashed the wedding�.literally (wink wink). He did what any other normal daytime heartthrob that has been drugged and drunk for months on end by a �girlfriend� that knows that he is in love with a different woman who is about to be married and thus won�t fall for her unless she drugs him into doing weird things until the one true love that he has finally gets married, would do�he tried to stop the wedding! He didn�t want his true love marrying some well adjusted, non druggie, non drunk, and heartthrob. He both broke and threw caution to the wind and figured the only right thing to do would be to crash his bike through the stained glass window of the church.

This scene was very intricate indeed. It had all the major elements of a classic. We had the action sequence of the bike crashing through the window. We had the romantic military style wedding. And we had exquisite acting and very symbolic symbolism. The scene of Shawn bursting through the stained glass, was symbolic of his love for Belle or was it Phelle or Chelle�whoever it was, it was fucking symbolic of his love for the blonde with the wedding dress on. The stained glass was akin to Shawn�s heart that was stained with the pain this wedding caused him. By bursting through the window, it was Shawn�s way of bursting through those stains and reclaiming his heart and his love�.and his life! By breaking through the glass and almost killing everyone there and by burning down the church�Shawn burned down the barriers to true love. And by being arrested and facing serious jail time�Shawn was truly free!

Meanwhile�.at 30,000 feet some ex-mulleted, Alabama lead singer, goatee wearing, looking motherfucker named Bo was aboard an airplane powered by hair blow dryers (thanks to Rhi for figuring that one out!) He was aboard this Conaircraft with some chick named Billie. Now, thanks to my friend Steph, I know the background between these two. Bo banged Billie, years back, but Bo was married to Hope. Bo thought Hope was dead. Billie then gave Birth to Bo�s bouncing baby in a swamp. Someone took Bo and Billie�s Baby Born in a Bog! So Billie got word that Bo and Billies Bog Baby was bound to be brought to Brussels or Berlin so they better be bound for Bavaria where there bouncing baby broad Georgia was bound to be!

Meanwhile�back at whatever town this show takes place in, some dude is in the hospital for some sorta injury. He sees some chick that he used to love named Chloe. Problem is he loved Chloe when she was hot. Chloe now has this big ass scar and shit on her face and no sober dude would ever want to hit that action! Fortunately Brady is drugged up on some kickass meds and when she goes over to kiss him, he sees her as the hottie that he always new! She then ducks behind the curtain very mysteriously and some other chick comes in to see him and he keeps calling for Quasi Motoette (the actress previously known as Chloe). The acting and dialogue in these scenes is some of the strongest of the show, unfortunately this subplot doesn�t really take off much from this point.

Meanwhile�in some castle in some European country, Marlena, the mother of Belle the bride that is marrying the guy that she shouldn�t marry because her true heart lies with Shawn the stained glass breaker bike guy, is being held captive by some guy that whispers aloud to himself. Fortunately the mean bad guy that is keeping her captive had some friends at the local cable TV company and they were more than happy to close caption the event on the TV shown above! Never before have kidnappers been so understanding and never before have I been so confused as to what in the hell she is doing in a castle in Bavaria in the first place.

Meanwhile there is another subplot that has been going on that I haven�t quite really figured out. There is some white guy that just happens to be in the same country as the Mother of the Bride, who happens to be in the same country as Bo and Billies Bog Baby who just happens to be in a country where all the locals speak in a weird accent where �the� is pronounced �zee�. What is even more peculiar is that, in this country, the locals speak to each other in a broken form of English. You can tell by the peculiar accents that this country is not England or any other English speaking country, yet is some Bavarian type country that opts for the cool accent laden version of English, known as Zee English. Another peculiar aspect to this country is that they have a law that forbids any internal thoughts. All thoughts are required, by law, to be whispered out loud in a clear and concise manner.

And now a word from our sponsor�

Days of Our Lives is proudly sponsored by the good folks at Valtrex (valacyclovir HCI)! For those of you who don�t know what Valtrex the commercial clearly shows that it is a drug that will transform a cute and peppy chick with herpes into a cute and peppy chick with herpes that enjoys life! Herpes girl takes Herpes guy for strolls on the beach, out for fun filled laughing at the caf� and bicycle rides down the street! As a matter of fact herpes girl makes herpes not look like such a bad thing! Herpes girl smiles, she laughs, she couldn�t be happier if she didn�t have herpes. So therefore I can infer that being a girl with herpes and Valtrex makes one�s life full of glee! Thank goodness for herpes and for that matter, thank goodness for Valtrex! Now back to our regularly scheduled program�

Meanwhile back at the hospital�all the people from the wedding seem to have miraculously escape relatively unscathed! Shawn is fine, the groom is safe, and Belle looks doable. The father of the bride however is in a bad way. He apparently has gotten hooked on the chronic and goes by the name �Co� Cane. He steals some meds, some chick seems him swipe the drugs from the locked cabinet and vows to nark him out�or�hold it against him. Fortunately she decides to not tell the authorities and keeps her secret to herself so that she can use it against him later. Once again the acting is stellar! Co Cane is clearly fucked up. He sweats, he makes painful sounds, and he gets violent at times. In one scene, off to the right you can actually see him licking the jar of Tostitos cheese down to the glass! They carry this subplot on throughout the week, and its clear that the chick will do some kniving next week�

Meanwhile�back at some house, that we haven�t seen all week, these two teen sluts are being �babysat� by a topless 30 something guy named Patrick. The one thing I do have to say about the folks at Days of Our Lives they seem to bookend their subplots like no other show I have seen. They start off with the symbolic and action packed opening scene of the motorcycle through the church scene and end it with this one. The scene starts off where Teen Slut 1 is talking about what a hot bod Patrick has. Teen Slut 1 then tells Teen Slut 2 that Teen Slut 2�s mom wants to do Patrick. Teen Slut 2 then tells Teen Slut 1 to fuck off and that its not true and that is when Teen Slut 1 tells Teen Slut 2 that Teen Slut 1 wants to seduce Patrick. She explains that by seducing him, she will prevent TS2�s mom from falling for him and all will be happy. For the record, no one seemed to explain to TS1 that she is 15 and 30 year old Patrick would be doing 30 in a federal pound me in the ass prison, with no conjugal visits, if such a diabolical scheme were to transpire, but TS1 proceeds regardless. She then proclaims, in the best quote of the week �Unlike Ashlee Simpson�s lips, the only synching of lips will be Patrick�s and Mine!� I stopped laughing from hearing this line 23 minutes ago. I have contacted the Guinness Book of World Records and they have confirmed that my 76 hour laugh was the longest on record! But I digress�back to the story� So Teen Slut 1 calls Patrick up to her room to tell her that there is something wrong with their computer. She tries unsuccessfully to seduce him, lying on the bed in a suggestive manner, if you know what im talking about. Patrick then describes in great detail how the shower at his place just happened to be out of commission, and he would have to take a shower there. The girls kindly obliged. Unfortunately he took a shower in the shower that had no spy cam. Ain�t that some shit. Fortunately he showered in a house with two teenagers with the door unlocked, but unfortunately there was too much steam cause it was SO HOT!!! What a story�Probably the second greatest aspect to this subplot, was the background music. Written by Harry Beaver�.the composer of such great theme songs as��Deep Throat VIII � This Time Its Personal� and �Assops Fables � The Tortoise and the Hairy Beaver� it has that porn star feel, which is always a really good thing on broadcast television when you got a topless guy babysitting two 15 year old girls!

So why am I telling you all this? Who cares about the goings ons on the hit show Days of Our Lives? Did I take this job for a quick buck? Did I turn down that hot chick with a perfect body that slapped me in the face and called me a loser on Saturday night at the bar or was she simply not interested? These are questions that we may never know the answers to, but one thing is for certain�.Like Sands Through the Hour Glass�So are the Days of Our Lives!

Finally on a totally unrelated note�well sorta realated but not really pertinent. I googled �Days Of Our Lives Motorcycle � to get the beautiful pictures above�and one of the results came back with this. I don�t know why but this picture made me laugh, and since this entry is inane I figured I could use all the help I could get!